My mind has been fighting this war with my heart for a long time now.
I tell it, calm down; it bursts out. I command it, let me live in peace; it creates chaos.
After thorough efforts I manage to live the life designed for me, obediently. But it has a problem with that too!
It doesn’t like structure. It doesn’t like discipline. It wants freedom. It wants me to feel things and not be mechanical. When I feel things, I get carried away. I can’t stop once start, there is no going back. I can’t stop writing once I start. You give me a good book, I can’t stop reading it once I start. Why?
They are not mechanical. They are not meant to be on the surface. They touch a chord deep within the soul. They make you real. I say, it’s not my fault. I did try not to feel alive. Not to get carried away. It’s the heart. Make it stop, make everything go away, I screamed. They said – but it’s gotta keep beating. If there’s life, the heart’s gotta keep beating. Why can’t they snatch it away, though? If I can’t dance to its tunes, why hear the rhythm of it? Oh please! Teach me a way to live without this stupid heart. Take it away.
If you can, the pain, the joy – everything can come to standstill. I can be the detached, the focused, the ideal human being. I can achieve greatness, or so it seems.
Teach us about the freedom fighter, the multi-millionaire, the superstar cricketer. We can read about them all we want; but being them should just be a dream. Because not everybody is destined to fly high, so we fool ourselves by saying that we don’t have the wings they had. I believe they didn’t have a heart. Or just a second, just maybe, they did follow their heart and became what they are. Our hearts may tune into another radio station; but it does tune into something.
But then again, I fear failure. Because success is everything. I have been taught that, time and again. I feel proud doing things I don’t love, because apparently I should be doing that. I feel embarrassed doing what I love; because it’s labelled as waste of time.
The world moves ahead. It spins around. But I am still. Stuck in my own misery. I write about it; but do nothing.
Because fear of failure is a bitch. Bites your soul and rips it apart, until you convince yourself that you were wrong. That the heart is always wrong.
So, my mind wins. All the time. Every single time. But the stupid heart doesn’t give up. It heals its wounds and wakes up again someday, after I read or watch something inspirational and the war begins again.
The mind, the heart – they don’t understand my agony, my sufferings. Coz when the morning sun shines, I will have to go back to the mechanical, mundane life that has been designed for me.
(Oh no! I am not the victim. I am as guilty as they are. I am guilty of being afraid and they are guilty of creating the fear.)
I will have to perform. I will have to excel. So, I can again feel proud of achieving things I don’t love.
— By a super confused human being, who has had the misfortune of knowing that there’s more to life than they tell us.
Or may be! It’s all just a lie, who really knows!